my journey home

Most of you probably know by now that I am in fact still in America while Angie is in fact back in Mozambique.  After returning home for our visa issues, I made a heart-wrenching decision to stay home and not finish my year out at Beacon of Hope – Africa.  I want to say this has NOTHING to do with Angie or the ministry.  I still consider that place my home, and my heart aches for them on a daily basis.  Angie is a truly spectacular woman, and I hope one day I can be even the fraction of the woman she is.  So my decision to stay home was not based on anyone else but myself.  It comes down to this simple truth:

It was hard so I quit.

Those words sting as I type them, and I can feel my pride shattering.  I wish I could say I was stronger, braver, more reliant on God.  I wish I could say I was an overcomer, a fighter, someone willing to go do anything for the Lord.  I’ve learned through this experience that I am not.  Dealing with these emotions of failure, frustration, and questions about my faith have left me in a puddle on the floor too many times to count.

But I always get up from that puddle.  I always move on.  I wake up and go to my God-given job (no seriously GOD GAVE me my job with very little to no effort on my part).  I enjoy time with my friends and family (including our newest family member, my baby doggie Dexter).  I make plans for the future.  I enjoy every second I have at church with the kids and youth.  I savor precious conversations with so many amazing people God has placed in my life.  I soak in intimate time with Jesus.  I fight for joy and hope in the promises of the Lord.

None of us are perfect.  We all screw up and end up in the pit.  We may disappoint or fail by someone else’s or own standards.  We may lie, cheat, and steal to get what we want only to find it leaves us empty.  We may crash and burn as we try to do things out of our own strength instead of relying on the Lord (like me). 

I don’t know what the future holds.  I don’t know how to move forward from where I’m at.  I don’t know how you will react and look at me after you read this post.  But I do some things that will always be true:

God is sovereign. No matter what I choose to do with my life.  No matter what failures, missteps, or questions I have, God is ALWAYS in control.  I’m naïve and power-crazy to think that my mistake could in any way impact God’s grand plan for the universe. 

God is still working things out for my good.  When I mess up my own life, God is kind and gentle enough to still bless me (I’m not just talking about material blessings).  To pull me out of the pit.  To crown me with His joy and peace.  To give me a job when I don’t even see it coming.

God loves me.  He doesn’t choose to punish me in an unloving way.  Yes, consequences and punishment will always happen, but that doesn’t mean His love for me changes even a single ounce. He still showers me daily with His love.  He never revokes His salvation or promises for my eternity.  He is always pursuing and romancing me.

God will still use me.  No matter how bad it may seem.  No matter how many people or how many times I disappoint.  God will always use me.  When I’m willing, He includes me in His Kingdom work.  When I’m not willing, He still uses me in His Kingdom work (even though I’m less likely to recognize it).  He uses failures, doubts, and successes in each of our lives to promote something bigger that’s a part of His plan.  He uses us when we don’t see it. He uses us when we ask.  He uses us when we don’t ask.

All of this.  This whole blog post.  Doesn’t just apply to me.  Whether you come forward publicly and announce your failures or you hide them safely in the depths of your heart for only you and Jesus to see, they are there in all of our lives.  But I am here to say that God is good.  God is sovereign.  God is love.  He’s giving you a second, third, fourth, fiftieth chance right now.  Let’s do something about it.

 

Dexter <3

rest

As I’m sure most of you know by now, I’m back home in the US of A!  After four months of trying to get visa issues resolved, Angie and I came to a decision point that led us home.  We will be here for a couple of months resolving the visa issues as well as resting and catching up with friends and family.

Rest is an interesting concept to me.  I am great at the lounging around on the couch, watching a movie, chatting with friends, sleeping a lot kind of rest.  In fact, I’m so good at it, you might at times mistake me for lazy.  Trust me though, I'm not lazy, just RESTING.  That’s what I’m choosing to believe anyway.

Yesterday, I was having a heck of a day resting.  I had gone running in the morning and wore myself completely since I am embarrassingly out of shape (thanks a lot Africa!).  Since I was too pooped to do anything else that afternoon, I didn’t.  I literally laid on the couch, watched a little HGTV (while dreaming of my own home I might own one of these days), did a few things on the computer, and hung out with my brother.  I would say a pretty productive day as far as resting goes.  But I started thinking while I was letting the dogs out to relieve themselves: 

What kind of rest am I actually in need of?

Yes, of course I need physical rest.  Everyone does after a time change jump of 7 hours and a 39-hour travel day.  But would physical rest really renew me completely?  Would it give my spirit the refreshing that it needed as well as my body?

I know physical rest especially when burnt out or extremely exhausted/jetlagged can do a world of good for your attitude and spirit.  But my spirit was in need of a little more than that.  I realized that I didn’t need just physical rest but spiritual rest as well.  When Angie and I were in Mozambique, praying over our visa situation, God specifically spoke to me over and over again with the words “Rest in Me”.  I didn’t exactly know what that meant at the time.  I just thought it meant that no matter what happened, we didn’t need to freak out but just let God handle it.  After I got home though, the words “Rest in Me” kept resonating in my spirit.

 As I sat on that deck thinking about the kind of rest I needed, I realized I sucked at spiritual rest.  I have always struggled, like many of us do in this technology age, with just sitting and enjoying completely quiet alone time with the Lord.  Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy my quiet times with the Lord.  But I often find my quiet times filled with things like worship music or feverishly scribbling down my thoughts or doodles.  There’s nothing wrong with worship music or journaling especially when hanging out with God, but I rarely just sit in silence in the presence of the Lord.  When things are silent, my mind can’t seem to concentrate or focus.  Sometimes all the junk that I don’t want to deal with comes up, and since I don’t want to deal with it I just give up and go turn on something that will make noise. 

But I’m tired of making excuses.

And I’m tired of being tired all the time.

It is my goal during these two months to figure out what it means for me to truly rest in the Lord.  My resting in the Lord may look differently than your resting in the Lord.  But I’m going to figure out what mine is, and I’m going to sit in silence in the presence of the Lord and let Him revive and renew my soul.  I’ve never needed it more than I do now, and the Lord’s given me the opportunity so I’m not going to miss it.

How do you rest in the Lord?  Have you been doing it lately?

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart to him,

for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8  

left behind

World Racers came and graced us with their presence for the month of June.  This was an awesome and strange experience for me.  Honestly when I found out we were having teams coming I felt very anxious about it.  The not-so-happy thoughts from my Race came flooding back to me, and I just didn't want to have to deal with the drama of 16 people living in such close quarters.  I was pleasantly surprised when they proved me wrong.  They were people full of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and fun.  Quickly, I fell in love with this group of people.  I didn't know I could have a crush on a group of people, but I certainly did.  They loved on me, encouraged me, shared their struggles with me, and invited me to be a part of them.  It was just the time of reenergizing that I needed. 

It was such a strange dynamic though because I was actually NOT one of them.   I was on the other side – the contact.  It was easy for me to love them well since I had such a massive crush on them.  It was easy for me to feel like I was on the Race again (to an extent) because I got to participate in worship, team time, and prayer time with them.  I couldn't get too swept into this mindset though because as the contact I had to take care of them, provide everything they needed to get the job done, and make sure everything was going smoothly.  As their month here was drawing to a close, the itch to go with them began to grow.  I mean that was my life for 11 months, and it just made sense.  OK guys, let’s pack up and head on out.  But this time I wasn't invited (well technically I WAS invited but obviously I couldn't go). 

I knew it would be hard to say goodbye, but I didn't really understand what it would be like.  I had said goodbye to many people on the Race. I had kind of become a professional at goodbyes.  The van pulled up, we carried their stuff out, and they got on.  It was like a magnet, drawing me in.  My desire to go on their next adventure with them was so strong I actually sat on the bus a couple of times with them while they were loading up and saying bye.  Then I had to get off.   Because that’s what I had to do.  The bus pulled away. I waved and screamed things at them like “LOVE YOU” and “STALK ME”.  Then I headed into a big and very empty house.

This was the part I didn't expect to happen.  I was sad.  I've said goodbye so many times to so many people, but this time the goodbye physically hurt me.  My heart ached because I knew my friends were gone, and I didn't know when or if I’d ever see them again.  I felt like I was going through a break-up.  My crush had left me alone and crushed (I guess that’s why they call it a crush).  They didn't leave me completely alone though because many of the girls left me encouraging love notes that I still read now and then as encouragement.  That almost made the pain in the moment worse though.  As a contact, I wasn't going off to a new adventure with my team where I would quickly move on from the previous month because I had to focus on the current one.  Nope, I was still here and now without 16 new friends in a big empty house.  Very, very different. 

Someone had mentioned to me once that most previous Racers that become contacts don’t get close to Racers when they come to visit because it’s too hard.  I now fully understand that statement.  But the thing is I wouldn't change anything at all.  I wouldn't change a second of that month so that it wouldn't have hurt so bad when they left.  I gave them my heart and they gave me theirs.  That’s the way God desires us to love – purely, genuinely, and without fear.  Even though I know that I may not talk to many of them again, I know that month was special to them just like it was to me.  I also know that I made some friends that will be friends for life just because of that one month. 

Just like after a break up, the pain lessens every day as I move on.  I get up and do my job because that’s what I’m called here to do.  I think about my friends often and pray for them as they are in month 11 and will be going home at the end of this next month.  I stalk them on Facebook and am envious over their time in beautiful Capetown.  I try not to be too overbearing and only click the “Like” button once every fifteen times I want to click it.  And I learned something very valuable from this.  To let myself get close to people who may just be in my life for a small season like a week or a month because I know it’s worth it.  I am a better person because of that month.  I will be a better person then next time a team comes, I get a crush, and my heart gets broken all over again.  Even if it’s not as enjoyable and fun as this month was, I know that I am called to invest my life into people no matter the outcome.

Let love be genuine.  Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.  Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one another in showing honor.   Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 

– Romans 12:9-13

my ideal self

The other day I was listening to a podcast from my church about David being chosen as King.  David, the youngest (like 12 years old!), the smallest, the least likely to be chosen (he wasn’t even invited to the ceremony) was chosen to rule over an entire nation.  He wasn’t wise. He hadn’t lived a long life full of learning opportunities. He was just a boy tending sheep.  That didn’t stop God from making His choice though.  To God it didn’t matter what he had done or not done.  God knew David and loved David’s heart.  God knew that David was just what Israel needed to be redeemed yet again.  When God chose David, His grace shone through in a huge way.  He had not given up on His rebellious people, but He had a plan of redemption for them and for us.

As this sermon went on, Ross touched on so many good points.  He mentioned 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 where it talks about God identifying and using people in different ways than the world’s standards.  We read in 1 Samuel 16:7b where it says, “For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”  These verses all spell out something that the Bible reiterates time and time again.  As followers of Christ, we most likely will not accepted by the world’s standards (this is not our home after all – we are foreigners).  We will have special jobs and responsibilities that the Lord will give us that we will most likely not be equipped to do.  Then God will show His power through us as we serve Him in the most unlikely ways.  All of this I know.  I’ve heard and read time and time again.  But it doesn’t make it any easier.

I desire acceptance.  I desire to be desired.  I desire to be seen.  I desire to be heard.  I desire independence.  I desire strength (emotional and physical).  I desire self-sufficiency.  Every one of those desires contradicts what Jesus teaches about humility, dependence, and working for the Lord not for men.  Ross pointed out that most of the time our ideal self gets in the way whenever we feel unappreciated or small or frustrated.  It is so funny he mentioned that because just a few days before I had written a list of what I wanted to be (my ideal self) and who I really was.  My ideal self was strong, healthy, self-sufficient, confident, etc.  It was stuff I wanted to work on and get better at. 

Then I listened to this podcast. 

My broken, messed up self is exactly what God desires to use.  He desires me just as I am.  And He desires me to be all in, all the time, weaknesses and all.  Through this act of humility and dependence, the strength, power, grace, and love of God will shine through all the more.  So just maybe my thinking has been wrong all these years.  Instead of trying to become my “Ideal” self, I will gladly rejoice in the broken mound I currently am.  Instead of beating myself up when I “screw up”, I will look to the Lord and see how He will work it all for His good and His Kingdom.  I will let God mold me and shape into whoever HE wants me to be for His purpose in my life, instead of me trying to change myself into who I want me to be.  Hopefully then, I will start serving faithfully and consistently in whatever task God has for me (no matter how menial). 

God sees me.  He always sees me.  He sees me whenever no one else does.  He sees my heart and all the small unnoticed things I do.  I pray through my brokenness, that this will be enough for me.  I will no longer desire the acceptance and approval from others but will rest in the acceptance and approval of my God who delights in me.  And I will recognize that I am on God’s heart always, and that far exceeds any praise or approval I could receive elsewhere.  

confessions of a "realist"

I've always considered myself a “realist”.  Not having too high of expectations to save myself from disappointment.  Some people may have seen this as “pessimism,” but I preferred the friendlier term of “realism”.  In my mind, it was always best to expect the worst because then when the worst happens you’re not surprised or if something better happens then you’re thrilled.  Now, after I've been learning some things from God, I’m starting to see my “realism” being more of a lack of faith than just a defense mechanism, protecting myself from hurt and disappointment.

Lately, through a series of events, words, and scripture, I have been learning a lot about prayer and faith.  I'm learning that my prayers have become or possibly always have been lacking in the faith department.  You see, I realized the other day, when I repeatedly got hit in the face with scripture that prayer is only truly powerful when accompanied by faith.  Other things I picked up were that God rewards the persistent prayer (Luke 18:1-8) and He wants me to ask for things (Matthew 20:29-34; Matthew 21:22).  He loves to give us good gifts, listen and answer our prayers, and provide for all our needs (Matthew 7:11, Matthew 6:25-33). 

So instead of my usual half-hearted, would-be-nice-if-God-listened-and-answered prayers, I will pray with persistence, specificity, and expectation.  I will have faith that God hears me and desires to answer me.  I will trust in His plan, and if my prayers are not answered in the time frame I desire or in the way I desire, I will believe it is for a very specific reason that I may never fully understand.  I will strive to always trust and have faith in Him and His plan.  I won’t give up believing in Him.  I can’t give up believing in Him.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." 

James 5:16

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."

 Matthew 21:22

south africa fun!

Angie and I unfortunately did not receive our temporary residences (diris) so we had to leave the country on Wednesday to go apply for new visas.  We packed up our rental car and headed out for an adventure.  I thought I was going to have to drive, but Chico (a staff that came with us) found a friend that was willing to drive us for a free room and food.  That was a pretty good deal to us so we took it! As the trip went on, I became more and more thankful he was driving and not me.   This is because:

-          The trip that would normally take 3 hours at the longest took 5 hours to get there and 6 and a half hours to get home.

-          Two extremely long stretches of road work on the way there and the same 2 extremely long stretches of road work on the way back.

-          The South African border on the way there was unusually crowded even though the Mozambican side was not.

-          On the South African border on the way there we waited in the long visa line while the driver waited to get the stamp he needed for the car.  We got out of our long line and he was still waiting in his line to get to the front and find out that he had to wait in the visa line FIRST before he could get his car stamp.  So he had to then wait through the long visa line and then rewait in the long car stamp line.  We just sat in the car :)

-          Pretty soon after making it through the border we got stopped by police.  They searched the car and our bags and decided they were going to fine us because we didn’t have a fire extinguisher.  A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!  So they wanted 2,000 Rand.  Chico said he didn’t have 2,000 Rand so they went down to 1,000. He said he didn’t have 1,000 so it continued down until all we paid was 150 Rand (about $15) and were on our way.

-          While we were in Nelspruit, we were running around doing things non-stop.  It was not really bad traffic, but a lot of driving in the city.  It was super beneficial to just be able to jump out of the car and let the guys go handle something else while we took care of stuff.

-          On the way home, we got stopped by police AGAIN (there were TONS of police out because it was right before a holiday weekend).  This time we got fined for our break lights being out.  So the guys went through their bartering phase starting at 2,000 Rand again and settling in on 200 Rand (about $20).  And this time our driver said, if I give you 200 Rand then you give me that banana.  And the police officer did!  So we paid 200 Rand for a banana.

-          We had to wait in line to try to cross the border for about 3 hours in the dark because the Easter holidays are a big deal over here.  All the Mozambicans were returning home for the holidays. 

-          We didn’t get home until 10:30PM Thursday night so that means we had to go through the border on a very crowded busy night, had to wait in road work at night without lights on the road like home, and there would have been a lot of driving in the dark. 

Overall, I’m sure you can see why I was very grateful my first time driving was not on this particular trip.  Don’t worry, my day will come!  I’m hoping it will come on a less eventful trip but that is doubtful because this is Africa and everything is eventful.

During the 39 and a half hours we were away from home we accomplished a lot of things: 

-          We applied for our visas at the Mozambican embassy.

-          We went and picked up 11 boxes of donated goods from a company (shirts, hats, cups, backpacks, binders, etc) from the Post Office.  We then had to unpack the boxes on the street corner and stuff all this stuff into our tiny rental car to get everything to fit.  Then we went and picked up giant plastic bags to put the stuff in to get it back to Mozambique in.  We unpacked the car into the plastic bags in the parking lot of the hotel.  Then stored the plastic bags in our rooms while we went out the rest of the day.

-          We went to the mall and bought bedding and other things for the house and kids and ate dinner.

-          We went back to the hotel, took long HOT showers, crashed onto real beds, and slept in nice air conditioned rooms.

-          Chico and his friend got up early the next morning and took 3 of the plastic bags to be transported over the border by chapa (public transport that you can pay a fee to ship your stuff across the border so you don’t have to deal with finding a place to put it or worry about getting it through the border).

-          Angie and I went and got pampered with a hair wash, head massage, haircut, and style each.  Mine only cost about $18 USD! 

-          We drove out to a warehouse and bought some real, legit beds to send home.

-          Chico went with the beds to be shipped by chapa with our last plastic bag of goods from the boxes we picked up earlier.  While he was doing that, we went and bought some toner for the printer and some other goodies at this giant place that was just like Sam’s. 

-          We picked up Chico at the chapa place and went to try to pick up our visas.  They were not ready so we ran to the mall to get a few more things we needed for the house.

-          We went and successfully picked up our visas. 

-          We headed to a special grocery store where Angie can buy her Gluten free food (being Gluten free in Africa is not the easiest).

-          We picked up some McDonalds and headed home. 

-          We waited 3 hours to get to the South African side of the border then were taken up to the place where people who are walking through the border go get their passport stamped.  We were told to follow the car in front of us, turn around, and queue behind them.  Then we all stood together in a line and they herded us in to get our passport stamped.  The guy working there was FREAKING OUT and said “WE ARE IMPROVISING PEOPLE!”  It was brilliant and hilarious!  Once we got into the border, we got through the South African and Mozambican side pretty quickly.

-          I said after the border that I was glad we hadn’t hit that second part of road work that had made us wait 45 minutes on the way there.  Literally as I was finished saying that, we came to a stop and waited for 45 minutes at the road work.  DOH…….I know better for next time.

These were just a few of our adventures while traveling.  The two days felt like a week, and we were so tired when we got home. But we still had to unpack, get all our stuff through the dark, muddy, watery road (because we’ve learned cars can’t travel there or they get stuck), bring everything in and put it away, and then get our beds set up that were waiting on us thankfully from a staff that had picked up the stuff we had sent on the chapa.  So we finally got in bed after midnight and enjoyed our nice new beds!  It was a crazy trip, but we had so much favor along the way.  We got everything we needed plus some.  We got better deals than we expected, and we got to send stuff via chapa so we didn’t have to worry about getting things across the border.  All of our stuff arrived with no problems, and we were safe the whole time.  It was a great trip!  Even though we did a lot and it was exhausting, I still felt rejuvenated afterwards.  You have no idea what a nice hot shower and an air conditioned room free of bugs can do for your spirit. :)

My real new bed :)

an email from the Holy Spirit

Three and a half weeks back in Africa and adjustment is still a constant battle.  I’m not going to lie; this has been a hard one.  Things have not gone the way I’ve thought they should (real shocking, I know!). I’ve had a lot of good moments but I’ve already had my share of bad ones.  I’ve struggled with sickness, not sleeping, and a lot of spiritual warfare.  I just feel tired all the time!  I have confidence in God’s plan for me to be here, but it seems like the devil has a lot up his sleeve in response to me being here as well.  I’ve been relying on the Lord, spending LOTS of time in prayer, worshiping, and studying His word.  But my thoughts still seem to wander away from His promises and focus on my problems here and now.  Then yesterday, I got an email from a dear, sweet friend of mine.  It was full of prayer, encouragement, prophecy, and scripture.  As I read it, I felt a peace come over my body, followed by a little tingling, followed by the full on Holy Spirit twitches.  Never in my life have I encountered the Holy Spirit like that while just reading an email.  Needless to say, every word in that email spoke volumes to me.  I could not be more grateful that the Lord would give those words to my friend, and that she should would be obedient enough to send them to me.  Guys, prayer is POWERFUL and words have so much meaning!!!  When the Holy Spirit tells you to share something with someone, do it!! It can change someone’s day or perspective or even life.  Something I took away from her words (among many things I took away from her words) and from some of my personal study is that I have been seeing things through the eyes of the world.  I have not even been trying to see things through spiritual eyes because I’ve let my focus be on myself and how I thought things were supposed to be going.  How many times is God going to have to teach me this lesson?!  Even if I'm thinking my way would be better because I would be helping more people or defending a just cause, that doesn't mean that my way is actually better.  It just means I have a big heart for helping those in need, but it is only beneficial when it is directed by the Lord in His timing, not my own.  Today I will declare, “Get behind me, satan!” because he will not hinder my thoughts.  I will set my mind on the things of God and His Kingdom and will not exist in a spirit of defeat.  I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ!! Hallelujah!!

From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.  And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord!  This shall never happen to you.”  But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan!  You are a hindrance to me.  For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”

Matthew 16:21-23