through your eyes: July 2013

I HATE it that it takes me so long to be obedient to God. I make Him jump through hoops to prove to me that His plan really is the best plan. Then I reluctantly give in.

I LOVE it that God never gives up on me and always pushes me into His uncomfortable but amazing plans. He knows what’s best and is not at all surprised when I make Him prove it. He just patiently waits on me to come around and then lovingly eases me into whatever He has next for me. He’s always gentle, always patient, and always pushing me to more. I am so lucky to have a Father like Him.

The past year a half (post-World Race) has been rough. Most of you know this by now through conversations with me, blogs I’ve written, or just my absence from the social scene. I have experienced many emotions and gotten to my lowest point. I doubted God, didn’t see a reason to be alive anymore, and saw no purpose to anything I was doing. I told God I would do anything He wanted me to do, but in reality I meant, “I’ll do anything you want me to do as long as it’s something I want to do. And as long as you give me a husband and a family I so desperately want. And as long as it’s just a few hours away from my family and friends because I missed them for a whole year, and I’m not about to give that up again!” Has anyone else ever experienced this kind of “obedience” to God before? Like I’m willing to do what you ask as long as you do what I ask first.

Through this half-hearted obedience to God, I walked out this last year and a half. Needless to say I was VERY angry at God when He didn’t give in to my commands. I was angry at God when I prayed for dreams of my future, and He didn’t give me anything but goofy, stupid dreams that would never happen. I was angry at God when I felt like a loser for being 25 years old still living in my parents house with NO CLUE as to what I was going to do with my life. I was angry at God when I logically went through the steps of quitting my job and starting nursing school, but I still didn’t have any peace. I was angry at God that my heart hurt ALL the time. As you can see, anger at God was the norm for me. I became really good at just living with it. I was able to numb away the pain so I barely felt it any more. I was able to go through the motions of school, even enjoy it sometimes, so I would tell myself I guess this is what I’m supposed to do. I was able to smile and put on a happy face when I had to go to church and interact with others. I learned how to hide this anger quite well.

I still had that lingering thought that I was missing something though, that if I really was willing to truly be obedient to God He would have something awesome for me to do. But I always dismissed it because honestly I wanted the American dream. I didn’t want to live half way across the world. I didn’t want to be a support based missionary. I didn’t want to give up my family, my friends, and even my bed all over again. I did want to get married, have a family, and live in a house with a white picket fence. I did want to have a job that I loved that enabled me to provide for me and my family without anyone else’s assistance. This was the life I was working towards, and honestly I think God would have blessed me in it. I think He would have dulled the pain, if not completely erased it. He would have let me go to nursing school, get a good job, and maybe even do some medical missions. He might have eventually given me a husband, a house, and a few kiddos. He’s that kind of Father. He would have loved and blessed me in that life because it was what I wanted so desperately, and I had (kind of) stepped out in faith to obtain.

But I kept having this lingering feeling that I was supposed to go back to Mozambique (to Beacon of Hope - the ministry I LOVED on the Race). As soon as I got my acceptance letter to nursing school, going to Mozambique was all I could think about. Now of course, I did not want to commit to moving there because that’s ridiculously far away. But now I had a full-proof plan for the American dream in place so it was safe for me to return there without the risk of having to move there. I bought a plane ticket, packed my bags, and headed back to the place and the ministry that I loved so much on the World Race.

Stepping off that airplane and into Mozambican culture was like coming home. My heart was overwhelmed with the joy I felt for being there, and I wasn’t even with Angie at Beacon of Hope yet. By the time I met up with Angie and Popo, and we drove to Beacon of Hope, all the anger and pain of the last year and a half had melted away. That night I laid awake overflowing with excitement and joy. The next day I got up and spent some time with Angie and her family then spent a little time with the boys. Wow, the love I have this place and these people is indescribable. I have never felt this way about any place or any thing. I laid in bed the second night, and I knew, for sure, 100%, this was where I was supposed to be. All of my doubts, all of my fears, all of my pain, all of my rage were gone. I was ALIVE. I spent the rest of the month encouraging Angie, doing Bible classes with the boys, teaching Popinho (Angie’s youngest son) preschool, and lots of office work to help Angie get back on her feet after she had been gone from the ministry for six months. It felt like I had been there forever, but the time also seemed to fly by. I couldn’t believe my month was up, and it was already time to leave. I was heartbroken, but relieved to know I was coming back.

God had finally got through to me. It took me going back to the place that I loved so much on the Race for me to GET IT. It took a plane trip half way across the world for me to understand and see where God was calling me all along. Like I mentioned earlier, I had asked God for the last year and a half to please give me dreams of things I would do in my future as a source of direction and confirmation, and I had yet to be given anything substantial. Every single night I was at Beacon of Hope, I dreamt about serving at Beacon of Hope. I saw myself loving on the boys, loving on the community, and loving on Angie and her family. God knew I had to come there to remember my passion for this place. He knew I wouldn’t believe Him unless He took me there and told me that it was going to be OK for me to leave my family and friends back home because this was home. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I at least know now that it’s all worth it. I was reminded that I would survive, and that empowering these boys to take a hold of their own future through education is exactly what I want and need to do. Since coming to this realization and making this decision, I have not had a single doubt. I am confident, more confident than I’ve ever been of anything in my whole life, that this is where I’m supposed to be.

My plan is to return in October as an intern for a one year commitment. I’m pretty sure I will be there longer than a year, but it’s a good place to start. I am going through the missions organization Globe International. I am going to be support based, and hope to raise $26,000 for the year - $1,900 in monthly support and $3,200 in one time gifts. I am looking for people to partner with me in this ministry - financially and spiritually. I am going as a servant, as a representative for a whole group of people that believe in these boys and are fighting for their futures. I am going as an ambassador of Christ and an appendage of the body of Christ that hopes to bring the grace and love of the Gospel to the beautiful people of Mozambique. There is also nothing better than prayer support! You have no idea how much your prayers are felt and needed as I begin this new journey God has before me.

For those of you who don’t remember this ministry from when I was on the World Race: Beacon of Hope Africa is dedicated to building up and sending out men of God into Mozambique. It is a place where boys become men - men of honor and integrity, men broken of generational curses of witchcraft and spirits of poverty, men who always fight for and stand up for what’s right. This is the next generation. This is the generation that has the potential to change Mozambique. Every three years, ten new boys come and live at Beacon of Hope. These boys are not necessarily orphans, but they are underprivileged and are lacking the resources to get a proper education. These are boys that have probably never had any one believe in them and encourage them to succeed. These boys need love, grace, and an awesome mom (Angie) to push them to become more than they ever thought they could be. I love that this ministry empowers those who feel completely powerless through education and Christ.

This is a run down of what I will be doing at Beacon of Hope for the year:

Education - I will be teaching classes like Bible, English, and others to the boys. In January we are getting 10 new boys to begin a new 3 year program!! By going back in October, I can begin working with Angie preparing curriculum for the new boys as well as fixing up and preparing their rooms and other things that need to get done before they arrive.
Office work - I will be assisting Angie in the dull, monotonous paperwork that is required to run your own ministry.
Preschool - I will be working with Popinho on preschool.
Girl’s minsitry - This is something I’m very excited about! Angie has a 13 year old daughter, Enia. I’m getting the privilege to start a weekly Bible study with Enia and her friends. These girls don’t have youth group or anything like I had growing up. They don’t have any strong female Christian examples but Angie. They need some female guidance besides just Enia’s mom, and I am so excited to get to be that for them! I have done youth and college aged ministry for many years now, and I love to see how all of it was preparing me for this. I’m hoping that this will be a safe place for the girls that come, and we end up being able to have real discussions about the hard stuff in life that they may not get to talk about with anyone else.
Community outreach - Part of the ministry is preparing and equipping the boys to serve in their own communities. This involves VBS for the local kids, going to the bush for medical clinics, and hopefully beginning a sports outreach program for the kids that come and play soccer at the field on Beacon of Hope’s property. It is so important to teach these boys that they are capable of serving others around them and equipping them to go out and do it.
Staff Development - Angie runs her ministry through Mozambican staff. The cultural differences and even laws regarding employment drastically change the work ethic of a Mozambican as compared to an American. Teaching and training the staff to have a good, honest work ethic based on the Bible and Christ’s teachings is imperative to a successful ministry. I will be able to help Angie do staff training to remind them or maybe even teach them for the first time how Christ says we should work as if we are serving Him not others.

Thank you for reading my ramblings and for following me along the journey so far. God keeps surprising me, and even though it always takes me awhile to come around He’s always there, waiting for me, calling me to Him. I am so excited about what this next chapter will bring, and I am so excited that He has chosen us to go through this adventure together. Thank you for your support and encouragement through the years already as well as what is going to come!

Currently the only way to give is through sending a check to Globe International. An opportunity for online giving may be available in future!

If you would like to give, please send a check to:

Globe International

P.O. Box 3040

Pensacola, FL 32516

Make checks payable to: Globe International

Please put my name in the Memo line: Cathy Callicutt