rest

As I’m sure most of you know by now, I’m back home in the US of A!  After four months of trying to get visa issues resolved, Angie and I came to a decision point that led us home.  We will be here for a couple of months resolving the visa issues as well as resting and catching up with friends and family.

Rest is an interesting concept to me.  I am great at the lounging around on the couch, watching a movie, chatting with friends, sleeping a lot kind of rest.  In fact, I’m so good at it, you might at times mistake me for lazy.  Trust me though, I'm not lazy, just RESTING.  That’s what I’m choosing to believe anyway.

Yesterday, I was having a heck of a day resting.  I had gone running in the morning and wore myself completely since I am embarrassingly out of shape (thanks a lot Africa!).  Since I was too pooped to do anything else that afternoon, I didn’t.  I literally laid on the couch, watched a little HGTV (while dreaming of my own home I might own one of these days), did a few things on the computer, and hung out with my brother.  I would say a pretty productive day as far as resting goes.  But I started thinking while I was letting the dogs out to relieve themselves: 

What kind of rest am I actually in need of?

Yes, of course I need physical rest.  Everyone does after a time change jump of 7 hours and a 39-hour travel day.  But would physical rest really renew me completely?  Would it give my spirit the refreshing that it needed as well as my body?

I know physical rest especially when burnt out or extremely exhausted/jetlagged can do a world of good for your attitude and spirit.  But my spirit was in need of a little more than that.  I realized that I didn’t need just physical rest but spiritual rest as well.  When Angie and I were in Mozambique, praying over our visa situation, God specifically spoke to me over and over again with the words “Rest in Me”.  I didn’t exactly know what that meant at the time.  I just thought it meant that no matter what happened, we didn’t need to freak out but just let God handle it.  After I got home though, the words “Rest in Me” kept resonating in my spirit.

 As I sat on that deck thinking about the kind of rest I needed, I realized I sucked at spiritual rest.  I have always struggled, like many of us do in this technology age, with just sitting and enjoying completely quiet alone time with the Lord.  Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy my quiet times with the Lord.  But I often find my quiet times filled with things like worship music or feverishly scribbling down my thoughts or doodles.  There’s nothing wrong with worship music or journaling especially when hanging out with God, but I rarely just sit in silence in the presence of the Lord.  When things are silent, my mind can’t seem to concentrate or focus.  Sometimes all the junk that I don’t want to deal with comes up, and since I don’t want to deal with it I just give up and go turn on something that will make noise. 

But I’m tired of making excuses.

And I’m tired of being tired all the time.

It is my goal during these two months to figure out what it means for me to truly rest in the Lord.  My resting in the Lord may look differently than your resting in the Lord.  But I’m going to figure out what mine is, and I’m going to sit in silence in the presence of the Lord and let Him revive and renew my soul.  I’ve never needed it more than I do now, and the Lord’s given me the opportunity so I’m not going to miss it.

How do you rest in the Lord?  Have you been doing it lately?

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart to him,

for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8  

left behind

World Racers came and graced us with their presence for the month of June.  This was an awesome and strange experience for me.  Honestly when I found out we were having teams coming I felt very anxious about it.  The not-so-happy thoughts from my Race came flooding back to me, and I just didn't want to have to deal with the drama of 16 people living in such close quarters.  I was pleasantly surprised when they proved me wrong.  They were people full of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and fun.  Quickly, I fell in love with this group of people.  I didn't know I could have a crush on a group of people, but I certainly did.  They loved on me, encouraged me, shared their struggles with me, and invited me to be a part of them.  It was just the time of reenergizing that I needed. 

It was such a strange dynamic though because I was actually NOT one of them.   I was on the other side – the contact.  It was easy for me to love them well since I had such a massive crush on them.  It was easy for me to feel like I was on the Race again (to an extent) because I got to participate in worship, team time, and prayer time with them.  I couldn't get too swept into this mindset though because as the contact I had to take care of them, provide everything they needed to get the job done, and make sure everything was going smoothly.  As their month here was drawing to a close, the itch to go with them began to grow.  I mean that was my life for 11 months, and it just made sense.  OK guys, let’s pack up and head on out.  But this time I wasn't invited (well technically I WAS invited but obviously I couldn't go). 

I knew it would be hard to say goodbye, but I didn't really understand what it would be like.  I had said goodbye to many people on the Race. I had kind of become a professional at goodbyes.  The van pulled up, we carried their stuff out, and they got on.  It was like a magnet, drawing me in.  My desire to go on their next adventure with them was so strong I actually sat on the bus a couple of times with them while they were loading up and saying bye.  Then I had to get off.   Because that’s what I had to do.  The bus pulled away. I waved and screamed things at them like “LOVE YOU” and “STALK ME”.  Then I headed into a big and very empty house.

This was the part I didn't expect to happen.  I was sad.  I've said goodbye so many times to so many people, but this time the goodbye physically hurt me.  My heart ached because I knew my friends were gone, and I didn't know when or if I’d ever see them again.  I felt like I was going through a break-up.  My crush had left me alone and crushed (I guess that’s why they call it a crush).  They didn't leave me completely alone though because many of the girls left me encouraging love notes that I still read now and then as encouragement.  That almost made the pain in the moment worse though.  As a contact, I wasn't going off to a new adventure with my team where I would quickly move on from the previous month because I had to focus on the current one.  Nope, I was still here and now without 16 new friends in a big empty house.  Very, very different. 

Someone had mentioned to me once that most previous Racers that become contacts don’t get close to Racers when they come to visit because it’s too hard.  I now fully understand that statement.  But the thing is I wouldn't change anything at all.  I wouldn't change a second of that month so that it wouldn't have hurt so bad when they left.  I gave them my heart and they gave me theirs.  That’s the way God desires us to love – purely, genuinely, and without fear.  Even though I know that I may not talk to many of them again, I know that month was special to them just like it was to me.  I also know that I made some friends that will be friends for life just because of that one month. 

Just like after a break up, the pain lessens every day as I move on.  I get up and do my job because that’s what I’m called here to do.  I think about my friends often and pray for them as they are in month 11 and will be going home at the end of this next month.  I stalk them on Facebook and am envious over their time in beautiful Capetown.  I try not to be too overbearing and only click the “Like” button once every fifteen times I want to click it.  And I learned something very valuable from this.  To let myself get close to people who may just be in my life for a small season like a week or a month because I know it’s worth it.  I am a better person because of that month.  I will be a better person then next time a team comes, I get a crush, and my heart gets broken all over again.  Even if it’s not as enjoyable and fun as this month was, I know that I am called to invest my life into people no matter the outcome.

Let love be genuine.  Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.  Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one another in showing honor.   Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 

– Romans 12:9-13