Most of you probably know by now that I am in fact still in
America while Angie is in fact back in Mozambique. After returning home for our visa issues, I
made a heart-wrenching decision to stay home and not finish my year out at
Beacon of Hope – Africa. I want to say
this has NOTHING to do with Angie or the ministry. I still consider that place my home, and my
heart aches for them on a daily basis.
Angie is a truly spectacular woman, and I hope one day I can be even the
fraction of the woman she is. So my
decision to stay home was not based on anyone else but myself. It comes down to this simple truth:
It was hard so I
quit.
Those words sting as I type them, and I can feel my pride
shattering. I wish I could say I was
stronger, braver, more reliant on God. I
wish I could say I was an overcomer, a fighter, someone willing to go do
anything for the Lord. I’ve learned
through this experience that I am not.
Dealing with these emotions of failure, frustration, and questions about
my faith have left me in a puddle on the floor too many times to count.
But I always get up from that puddle. I always move on. I wake up and go to my God-given job (no
seriously GOD GAVE me my job with very little to no effort on my part). I enjoy time with my friends and family
(including our newest family member, my baby doggie Dexter). I make plans for the future. I enjoy every second I have at church with
the kids and youth. I savor precious
conversations with so many amazing people God has placed in my life. I soak in intimate time with Jesus. I fight for joy and hope in the promises of
the Lord.
None of us are perfect.
We all screw up and end up in the pit.
We may disappoint or fail by someone else’s or own standards. We may lie, cheat, and steal to get what we
want only to find it leaves us empty. We
may crash and burn as we try to do things out of our own strength instead of
relying on the Lord (like me).
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know how to move forward from where I’m
at. I don’t know how you will react and look
at me after you read this post. But I do
some things that will always be true:
God is sovereign. No
matter what I choose to do with my
life. No matter what failures, missteps,
or questions I have, God is ALWAYS in control.
I’m naïve and power-crazy to think that my mistake could in any way
impact God’s grand plan for the universe.
God is still working
things out for my good. When I mess
up my own life, God is kind and gentle enough to still bless me (I’m not just
talking about material blessings). To
pull me out of the pit. To crown me with
His joy and peace. To give me a job when
I don’t even see it coming.
God loves me. He doesn’t choose to punish me in an unloving
way. Yes, consequences and punishment
will always happen, but that doesn’t mean His love for me changes even a single
ounce. He still showers me daily with His love.
He never revokes His salvation or promises for my eternity. He is always pursuing and romancing me.
God will still use
me. No matter how bad it may
seem. No matter how many people or how
many times I disappoint. God will always
use me. When I’m willing, He includes me
in His Kingdom work. When I’m not
willing, He still uses me in His Kingdom work (even though I’m less likely to
recognize it). He uses failures, doubts,
and successes in each of our lives to promote something bigger that’s a part of
His plan. He uses us when we don’t see
it. He uses us when we ask. He uses us
when we don’t ask.
All of this. This
whole blog post. Doesn’t just apply to
me. Whether you come forward publicly
and announce your failures or you hide them safely in the depths of your heart
for only you and Jesus to see, they are there in all of our lives. But I am here to say that God is good. God is sovereign. God is love.
He’s giving you a second, third, fourth, fiftieth chance right now. Let’s do something about it.
Dexter <3
